Why Women Hate, plus How to be a Real Woman

Posted: December 4th, 2010 | Author: admin | Filed under: Uncategorized | 13 Comments »

“Mommy that woman looked at you and then looked at the other woman and rolled her eyes.”

That was what my daughter Izzy said as we walked out of the Left Bank in Larkspur, CA the other night.

Did I spit in her food? No. Did I steal her man? No. Did I step on her new pair of shoes? No, I just simply wallked by.

Well, scratch that, I walked by in a pixie-length Tracy Reese dress, Fendi knee-high boots, and not-so-obligatory wig.

When I was Isabelle’s age, my mother told me that there are two reasons women talk about (or ‘hate on’) other women. She said they are either jealous or upset.

(Hate, as referenced in the title, alludes to the Urban term ‘hate on.’)

Let’s examine this for a bit.

1) Jealously.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.  ~William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693

The other night I met a woman who went from a size 12 to size 4. She mentioned her co-workers, and even her husband, acted differently with her as a size 4. They seemed threatened, uncomfortable. They thought she was more fun to be around when she was depressed and less confident, but as soon as she pulled out the tight jeans and stilettos – game over.

Here’s the question I have for you – Was that about her or her husband and co-workers?

Some more questions. Doesn’t the very action of rolling your eyes or talking smack about the woman with the tight jeans and confident smile just reflect your own insecurities? Why not be happy for their success, or look at it as inspiration?

When you feel pangs of jealously, instead of rolling your eyes, why not examine why you are feeling jealous.

• Are you happy with your life?
• Are you grateful with what you have?
• Do you feel there are things in life you need to accomplish? What do you need to do to accomplish these things?
• Are you scared? Anxious? (Maybe you need a professional to help.)
• Do you feel other people’s success is a threat? Why?

I know if I feel a tinge of jealousy, I take it inward and use it as a source of inspiration. Either I need to A) Step up my game and use this other person as a source of inspiration or B) Be gratuful for what I have and be happy for other people’s success.

Case in point. A good friend of mine is gorgeous, curvy, and confident – and definitely has some “junk in the trunk.” This year we were at a club in NYC and this beautiful, size 0 supermodel walked in with some leather hot-pants that exposed her perky butt. My friend said, “Damn, that girl looks hot. I need to get back to that size so I can sport those shorts.” I concurred. And we moved on with our drinks.

End of conversation.

There was no reason to tear this woman apart. There was no eye rolling, or “Who does she think she is?”

Because, would that be productive?

Hell to the NO.

2) Upset.

There are many reasons someone can upset you. But, first things first, you have to KNOW the person to be upset by them. You can’t be upset by someone you don’t know. You can be offended by someone you don’t know, but that’s another problem.

So, you can be upset by someone you know for:

• Being obnoxious or rude.
• Hurting your feelings.
• Talking smack about you.
• “Stealing” your boyfriend, partner, husband
• Disappointing you.
• Acting inappropriately
• Forgetting to return the dress you let them borrow a year ago
• Plus more (The list can go on and on until infinity and beyond)

Personally, I have a pretty high UPSET threshold. Someone has to kick me in the stomach, or call me a prostitute to get my feathers ruffled. (Actually, there is one person who can get me in a fetal position pretty quickly – my daughter. It usually involves her saying, “I wish you were like other moms and baked cookies.”)

So, what do you do in these situations? Do you talk smack about them, or go directly to the source?

How to be a Real Woman

Upon turning 35 (today), I’ve been reflecting on what it is to being a real woman. I don’t know the exact time I became a real woman. I know in Junior High I was caught with my foot in my mouth when I said something negative about a fellow classmate. She found out and confronted me. Best lesson I learned in Junior High. I’ve forgotten all my pre-algebra.

Having Isabelle made me a woman. I was young – 25, going on 26 – and my priorities shifted. Isabelle was the most important thing in life, and I looked at the world as a mother. Also, age and wisdom have honed my real women skills. I look forward to what the next 100 years bring.

Plesae don’t take this blog as a manifesto on perfection. I’m not perfect, and I think we are all ‘perfect in our imperfection.’ But before you roll your eyes, or whisper a snide remark, take a look at this and decide if you are a real woman.

• Real Women don’t roll their eyes. Real Women smile.
• Real Women apologize. Let’s face it, we all screw up. But do you own it and try to make it right?
• Real Women go directly to the source. Did someone upset you? Go to them directly to them work it out.
• Real Women don’t talk about other women. Real Women talk with other women.
• Real Women don’t trash talk with other women. Real Women change the subject, “How’s the weather in Miami?” or boldly say something like, “Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.” (from my friend Jasmine)
• Real Women form boundaries, and educate people as to what those boundaries are.
• Real Women celebrate others’ success.

So, you feel the urge to bad-mouth or tear down, I would ask you to stop, think quick, and smile.

Because we all have something to smile about. – xx Alicia

(What is your definition of a real woman? Please share in comments below.)

---