Why Women Hate, plus How to be a Real Woman

“Mommy that woman looked at you and then looked at the other woman and rolled her eyes.”

That was what my daughter Izzy said as we walked out of the Left Bank in Larkspur, CA the other night.

Did I spit in her food? No. Did I steal her man? No. Did I step on her new pair of shoes? No, I just simply wallked by.

Well, scratch that, I walked by in a pixie-length Tracy Reese dress, Fendi knee-high boots, and not-so-obligatory wig.

When I was Isabelle’s age, my mother told me that there are two reasons women talk about (or ‘hate on’) other women. She said they are either jealous or upset.

(Hate, as referenced in the title, alludes to the Urban term ‘hate on.’)

Let’s examine this for a bit.

1) Jealously.

The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.  ~William Penn, Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693

The other night I met a woman who went from a size 12 to size 4. She mentioned her co-workers, and even her husband, acted differently with her as a size 4. They seemed threatened, uncomfortable. They thought she was more fun to be around when she was depressed and less confident, but as soon as she pulled out the tight jeans and stilettos – game over.

Here’s the question I have for you – Was that about her or her husband and co-workers?

Some more questions. Doesn’t the very action of rolling your eyes or talking smack about the woman with the tight jeans and confident smile just reflect your own insecurities? Why not be happy for their success, or look at it as inspiration?

When you feel pangs of jealously, instead of rolling your eyes, why not examine why you are feeling jealous.

• Are you happy with your life?
• Are you grateful with what you have?
• Do you feel there are things in life you need to accomplish? What do you need to do to accomplish these things?
• Are you scared? Anxious? (Maybe you need a professional to help.)
• Do you feel other people’s success is a threat? Why?

I know if I feel a tinge of jealousy, I take it inward and use it as a source of inspiration. Either I need to A) Step up my game and use this other person as a source of inspiration or B) Be gratuful for what I have and be happy for other people’s success.

Case in point. A good friend of mine is gorgeous, curvy, and confident – and definitely has some “junk in the trunk.” This year we were at a club in NYC and this beautiful, size 0 supermodel walked in with some leather hot-pants that exposed her perky butt. My friend said, “Damn, that girl looks hot. I need to get back to that size so I can sport those shorts.” I concurred. And we moved on with our drinks.

End of conversation.

There was no reason to tear this woman apart. There was no eye rolling, or “Who does she think she is?”

Because, would that be productive?

Hell to the NO.

2) Upset.

There are many reasons someone can upset you. But, first things first, you have to KNOW the person to be upset by them. You can’t be upset by someone you don’t know. You can be offended by someone you don’t know, but that’s another problem.

So, you can be upset by someone you know for:

• Being obnoxious or rude.
• Hurting your feelings.
• Talking smack about you.
• “Stealing” your boyfriend, partner, husband
• Disappointing you.
• Acting inappropriately
• Forgetting to return the dress you let them borrow a year ago
• Plus more (The list can go on and on until infinity and beyond)

Personally, I have a pretty high UPSET threshold. Someone has to kick me in the stomach, or call me a prostitute to get my feathers ruffled. (Actually, there is one person who can get me in a fetal position pretty quickly – my daughter. It usually involves her saying, “I wish you were like other moms and baked cookies.”)

So, what do you do in these situations? Do you talk smack about them, or go directly to the source?

How to be a Real Woman

Upon turning 35 (today), I’ve been reflecting on what it is to being a real woman. I don’t know the exact time I became a real woman. I know in Junior High I was caught with my foot in my mouth when I said something negative about a fellow classmate. She found out and confronted me. Best lesson I learned in Junior High. I’ve forgotten all my pre-algebra.

Having Isabelle made me a woman. I was young – 25, going on 26 – and my priorities shifted. Isabelle was the most important thing in life, and I looked at the world as a mother. Also, age and wisdom have honed my real women skills. I look forward to what the next 100 years bring.

Plesae don’t take this blog as a manifesto on perfection. I’m not perfect, and I think we are all ‘perfect in our imperfection.’ But before you roll your eyes, or whisper a snide remark, take a look at this and decide if you are a real woman.

• Real Women don’t roll their eyes. Real Women smile.
• Real Women apologize. Let’s face it, we all screw up. But do you own it and try to make it right?
• Real Women go directly to the source. Did someone upset you? Go to them directly to them work it out.
• Real Women don’t talk about other women. Real Women talk with other women.
• Real Women don’t trash talk with other women. Real Women change the subject, “How’s the weather in Miami?” or boldly say something like, “Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.” (from my friend Jasmine)
• Real Women form boundaries, and educate people as to what those boundaries are.
• Real Women celebrate others’ success.

So, you feel the urge to bad-mouth or tear down, I would ask you to stop, think quick, and smile.

Because we all have something to smile about. – xx Alicia

(What is your definition of a real woman? Please share in comments below.)

Power Shift: Do women lose their power as they age?

Listen to this interview ladies! My (ex) matchmaker, Melinda Maximova, set me up with dozens of VIP men during my swinging single years, and she says women lose their power, in the dating world, as they age. Hence, the power shift.

Do you agree?

This interview will either inspire or enrage.

Jean Chatzky called me a what?!, or How to Stop Promoting Your Book Because Someone Called You a Prostitute on National Radio

Let me cut straight to the chase. In Fall 2007, I embarked on a media tour to promote my book, Goal Digger: Lessons Learned from the Rich Men I Dated. I was optimistic, wide-eyed, and as naive as you can be, but totally excited because I had a well-conceived self-help book (at least, I’d like to think so!), with a optimistic message teaching women the 13 concepts I learned from wealthy men on how to achieve business and financial success.

This optimism faded quickly.

The Event

One of my very first media interviews was with Jean Chatzky in NYC. For you who don’t know Jean Chatzky, please let me explain. Jean’s the financial darling on the Today Show, a bestselling author, and the “personal finace” guru we all love, until…

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman’s Scorn

Jean didn’t seem to like me. I walked into the recording room at her satellite radio show, and all I got was an icy reception. You know those type of receptions, the ones only insecure people seem to master:
-The glance up and down, and then up and down again.
-The quick smile that turns instantly into a frown.
-The “I’m not interested in talking to you” eyes.

And, all I could think, Was she having an off day? Did she burn her tongue on her morning coffee? Was I showing too much cleavage?

Of course, I will never know.

But I did know this to be true: this interview was going to S-U-C-K.

I immediately sat down, all smiles trying to break the ice, as the producer put on my headphones.

We started the interview with a series of questions to set the context of the book. She asked me why I wrote the book, and I said, perfectly rehearsed, when one of the rich men I dated challenged me by saying “You are industrious enough to be your own millionaire.” I also mentioned that these men motivated and inspired me, and were more like mentors than lovers.

Bus Dodging Time

Jean asked me if I was a millionaire and I said no. But to be fair, I added, the men I dated were in their late 40s, 50s, and on average they created their wealth during their 40s and 50s. She concurred.

Then, there it was. The question to end all questions. The big kahuna. The question I wasn’t prepared to answer.

Did any of these men give you money?

Oh, snap!

Ladies of the Night

When I was younger my father had a t-shirt that said, “Love from the Ladies of the Night*” He would wear it with his jean shorts and slippers. It was the early 80s. Ladies of the night were my parent’s euphemism for prostituites. Street Walkers. Hookers.

Jean had another euphemism  for it. Working Girl.

Did any of these men give you money? Jean asked.

Bub-te-de-bub, Bub-te-de-bub, Bub-te-de-bub, Bub-te-de-bub Bub-te-de-bub, Bub-te-de-bub was the only thing that came out of my mouth.

I verbally stumpled like a stutterer on crack. (No offence to stutterers or crack heads).

Then I told her the truth, Yes.

“Hmmmm,” she said. “You sound like a working girl to me.”

Double snap!

Hurt Feelings

My world came crumbling to the ground, and I didn’t have time to explain. I mean saying, “I dated a man for 3 months and at that point he said he wanted to take care of me because I was a single mom and he didn’t want me to work so I could travel with him to the South of France and hang out with him and live in his 2 million dollar apartment so I could be safe and he really cared about me oh yeah and we dated for almost 1 year,” didn’t really fly. As you and any media coach can see, none of that comes out in eloquent sound bytes!

When I realized what she said, and finally got out of groveling explanation mode, my raw emotions started flooding in, ranging from:

Pugnacity: This bitch called me a what!? Oh no she didn’t! (Insert double snap)

to

Shame: Oh my, I hope Isabelle doesn’t grow up to think this way about her mother.

to

Pragmatism: I flew out to New York for this shit?!

to

Dejection: I can’t do this any more. It’s over. Done.

Overcompensating for Hurt Feelings

But to answer Jean’s statement (It wasn’t a question, but a statement, so it doesn’t call for an answer, but humor me!), hell-to-the-yes, I’m a working girl. At 16, I started my career as a working girl on the corner of 18th and Capitol in Sacramento, CA – not turning tricks, but making cappuccinos and burnt bagels. Then I continued my salicious ways as a scholarship receipt and full-time intern at Hewlett Packard (HP). Then I did a stint of modeling, acting, and waitressing, and assistant work and other code words for “what pretty girls do to make money while attending UCLA.” Then I backpacked around the world, not on my back(!), but on savings and a round-the-world ticket my parents bought me for a graduation present. Then I traveled around the world again as a travel writer. Then I did a stint as a married women to a construction worker, then as a technical writer for a bio-tech company, which I then parlayed into freelance technical writing business, which I continued until I published my book. Now I have a successful coaching business, which pretty much keeps me out of trouble. Oh yeah, I’m a mom too.

So, enough of my rant, but my self esteem sure feels better!

Are VCs (Venture Capitalists) just glorified Sugar Daddies?

Last year, I started  thinking more about my “fall from grace” when founder and former CEO of a huge adult dating website, which was later acquired by an adult media company for a zillion dollars, called me out of the blue and asked me about my book. I opened up to him (my heart, not my legs, mind you) about my experience with Ms. Jean, how she grilled me big time for having a Sugar Daddy, and that I essentially stopped all promotion of my book. He then said to me, in a comforting tone, I had a Sugar Daddy too. They’re called VCs. I laughed, but he was dead pan serious. He said he “prostituted” himself for venture capital to build his business for a profitable exit for all parties involved. I was silenced.

Every Cloud Has a Pair of Silver Stilettos

I’m a girl who truly believes every experience in life has merit, so I am going to look at Ms. Jean and her comment as a lesson in disguise. So this is what I learned. What about you?

1)Matthew 7:1-3 ¹Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ²For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. ³“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

2) Empowered women must empower. When you are a person (especially a woman) with strength, power, and influence, isn’t your job to lift people up, not tear people down. This was a huge lesson for me. (Someone forward this blog to Jean Chatzky!)

3) Own it. I squirmed like a jelly fish when Jean Chatzky called me a “working girl.” As Martin Luther King, Jr. stated, A man can’t ride your back unless it’s bent. Straighten that back and own it, don’t let people have power over you.

4) Don’t care about what other people think. This is the most freeing of the four. The day you stop worrying about what people think, is the day you start living…

Of course, it took me a few years to understand this. But, I’m still a work in progress.

(If you are interested in the pictures, the first one is for the MILPH 2008 calendar [And you know what, it would be the perfect picture if it weren't for the bad highlight job] Nonetheless, it definitely says “Working Girl” to me. The other two are me being silly with stock photography.)

* Correction (from my brother) Dad’s shirt said “Love from the Ladies of the Night” and yes “ladies of the night” is a funny euphemism for prostitutes … in this case our father worked the graveyard shift at the post office with a cadre of female employees. Dad was a great supervisor and I believe the ladies made that shirt for him as a sort of tongue and cheek gesture about how good and nice he was to work for.

Success Lessons from Mariah Carey Concert, Singapore

Miss Mimi was not on her A-game last night. Well, before I make such a statement, let me give you some context. I was lucky enough to attend this year’s Formula 1 Grand Prix in Singapore, and Mariah Carey was the headlining performer.

Now, Miss Mimi and I go way back. I fell in love with her back in high school when I saw her on VH1 singing Vision of Love, so I mean no disrespect when I say she looked a bit different on stage some 20-odd years later (don’t we all!). It was obvious she put on weight (disclaimer: there are rumors she is pregnant), but I don’t want to harp on that because women are scrutinized enough about our looks. But, this weight gain, exhaustion and/or rumored pregnancy, coupled with the muggy Singaporean weather, seemed to contribute to a tired and low energy Mariah. It also didn’t help that she wore uncomfortable stilettos that made her slip on stage.

The first 25 minutes of the performance she was mostly off stage getting comfortable (taking off her shoes, changing, etc.), while her back-up performers covered for her. The crew brought a couch on stage for her to sit and sing. As the evidence shows, Ms. Mimi didn’t start the night on a good foot.

Yet, there was a change. In true Mariah fashion, she finished the concert in brilliant form, even if she was singing her infamous high-octaves from the comfort of a couch. So whatever her personal circumstance she was dealing with, I thought there were some success lessons that we divas can all learn from….

1. Be comfortable and confident. I could tell Mariah was not feeling confident at the beginning of the show, especially after her fall. She kept on asking the audience if it was all right for her to perform without shoes. But, as soon as Mariah got comfortable in her clothes (and skin), her performance improved 10-fold. Lesson Learned: Make a decision and work it like your own personal catwalk. AKA: Be comfortable and confident in your decisions.
2. The show must go on. We all f*&% up. Doesn’t mean we give up. If we fall; we must get up. I mean, we all deserve a pity party once and awhile, but afterwards we need to dust ourselves off and get moving. After she fell, Mariah got up, made a joke, and continued the show without missing a beat. Lesson Learned: The show must go on.
3. We all need back-up dancers. We can’t be ON all the time. So, we need a little help from our support group, whether it be family, friends, VAs, colleagues, etc. Often times, we need to outsource our life and business to be successful. Lesson Learned: When you can’t dance, let your back-up dancers cover for you.

My first client was a prostitute (Part 1)

Weeks after I launched Goal Digger, I started a coaching program. (This is when I realized I would not make my millions just by being an author!) I called it Success Coaching, but basically I planned it to be a kick-in-the-butt approach to help people achieve their life goals. (I had such a “hard on,” for  lack of better term, for goals back then. Since then I have come to realize that family and, as my dad says, “peace and quiet” have a much higher currency. Anyway, I digress.)

So I promoted my private success coaching on my website’s home page and included my phone number.

Then one day, she called.

Out of the blue. My first customer. And she was a prostitute.

I was enthralled to have my first cutomer. Someone actually paying me to just talk on the phone. I couldn’t believe it! The fact she was a prostitute didn’t phase me.

She was a bit giddy after I answered the phone, and, as I recall, she said something like: “Oh my gawd, I can’t believe I’m actually talking to you.” And, I thought, I can’t believe she’s so excited to be talking to me! She mentioned that she read my book and couldn’t put it down, as she felt connected to me and my story. She went on to tell me her story, which went a bit like a Hollywood blockbuster trailer: A prostitute in Vegas for the last few years, she was completely dependent on men for her money. Yet, she didn’t want to give it up. She actually wanted to increase the intensity of her business and attract more clients so she could retire before she lost her looks.

And, I simply said, “Sounds good to me. Let’s get to work!”

The day the wind got knocked out of me…

I stopped actively promoting my book Goal Digger: Lessons Learned from the Rich Men I Dated approximately 90 days after I launched it on Amazon.com in 2007. There were several reasons I did so, but one major one in particular, which I’ll reveal in a later post (Gosh Dammit! Can’t wait to finish this post, and finally get it off my chest! Yippee).

Since I gave up on promoting my book, I never really got started writing a blog – although fans – worldwide – requested I do so. (If fact, you will see failed attempts of my blogging in orphaned blogs floating around in the blogosphere. Also proof that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing!) People loved and were inspired by my book, and I didn’t have a forum to answer questions, respond to fanfare, and provide resources – until now.

So, I’m excited to get started, because I’m exploding inside, filled with secrets, revelations, thoughts about money, success, love. All stuff I want to share, but haven’t, until now. First of all, I want to thank Rick Bakas, Adryenn Ashley, Britt Michaelian, and Trevor ‘Toecracker” Crook for giving me the courage to expose my inner thoughts, specially what happened to me in New York City, September 2007, the day the wind got knocked out of me.

My first blog post.

My first blog post.